we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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