She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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