Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
