I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
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