Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
