it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
Randomize
