Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
