How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
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