i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
