Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
