He had one of those small greek statue penises
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
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