if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
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