Will you blow on my dice?
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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