There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
