The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
