I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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