so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
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