I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
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