I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Randomize
