I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
