remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Randomize