I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Randomize
