When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Randomize
