Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
