I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
