I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
