You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
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