The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
Randomize
