oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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