Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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