she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
