My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
