Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Randomize
