My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Randomize
