omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Randomize
