I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Randomize
