Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Randomize
