my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
i think i have herpe
just one?
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
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