someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize