I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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