so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
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