Im at strip club and am horny
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
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