meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
