GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
