imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize