drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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