You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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