lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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