we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Randomize
