Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
