Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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