My Higher Power is John Stamos
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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