i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Randomize
