You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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