You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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