I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I dont need to watch it. And stop comparing your life to Entourage.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Randomize
