I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
