Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
