i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Randomize
